Mollypop's Misfortunes

The explosing dinosaur

2006-08-08T19:37:00.000+12:00

So I had just been forced to give two young scallywags a minor bollocking for breaking out into a full on game of handball in the shop- there are a few things that can not be politely ignored and was feeling a little worked up. I picked up a squashy, palm-sized brontosaurus and stated to give it a bit of a squeeze.

No sooner had I begun than a jet of the dinosaur’s gelatinous inner fluid shot two metres through the air, narrowly missing a customer (who was casually choosing a birthday card) and landing in a series of splats just centimetres from her feet.

The sheer comedy of the event made it a little difficult to apologize, but I managed to get out some form of sorry and all ended well. She had a "the shop girl very nearly covered me in the slime from a squashy dinosaur" story to tell, and I got to finally find out just exactly what it was that made them so squashy. :o)

Blow stuff up and smash shit

2006-07-25T13:14:00.000+12:00

The big bits:

Do you ever have those days when you're so statically charged you actually see a blue spark every time you hit a light switch? Last Wednesday was one of those days.

Unfortunately, it was also one of those unco days and I kicked things off in the morning by somehow knocking a glass whilst brushing my teeth, sending it hurtling into the bathtub and smashing it into a thousand minute lethal shards which were, I must say, very hard to distinguish from drops of water on the tubs ceramic surface. There goes half an hour.

But the doosey:

When I came home from work (still slightly traumatized from the huge shock I received turning off the TV after vacuuming the shop) and flicked on my light (wunna dem multi-bulbed brassy, floral retro numbers). There was a mighty bang reminiscent of a gunshot, only higher pitched as one of the light bulbs exploded. Poor Yahtzee crapped himself, having just been subjected to a small sonic boom and a shower of strange white powder, and was off under the bed like a shot while I just stood there dazed, staring up at my smoking light fitting.

A thousand more tiny pieces of glass to clean up, this time spanning a radius of pretty much my entire room.

For those of you who know me well will know my tendency to keep most of my possessions scattered randomly on my bedroom floor. This makes it all the more difficult to clean up the aftermath of an exploding light bulb.

A good two hours was spent picking up every sock, pattern, duvet, magazine, paintbrush (the list goes on...) and carefully shaking it individually to remove the tiny glass fragments before vacuuming them up. Another half hour was spent extracting the cat from under my bed and calming the poor little guy till he stopped shaking.

At least my room got tidied, I guess.

It's hereditary

2006-06-26T23:07:00.000+12:00

...accidental self-mutilation, that is. Not so long ago my mother struck herself in the forehead with the sharp end of a hammer whilst trying to remove a nail, it resulted in lots of blood and the following pronounced bump.

The boxing day squish

2006-01-22T15:15:00.001+13:00

As you can see, one of these fingers is substantially larger than the other one [even when taking into account that that hand is a little closer to the camera], that's because I had just squished it in a bad-ass old hinge under the weight of the metal foot-rest of an old barber's chair (don't ask).

However, the damage was no where near as bad as I'd initially assumed.

The downside- was it really funkin' hurt, but on the upside- my nail did't go black and fall off in a disgusting fashion as I'd expected it to (been there done that before).

For such squishes I highly recommend an extended period of icepack compression, which is never fun, followed by smothering in Rawleigh's ointment
(the one in the blue tin). Works wonders my dears.

Whoops

2005-11-14T17:53:00.000+13:00

spelt cherub wrong there didn't I, Oh well, guess it doesn't matter given the nature of this blog

Meet Yahtzee

2005-11-14T17:48:00.000+13:00

When someone has been through the traumas of an undesirable upbringing, estrangement from their family, the painful effects of numerous attacks of feline violence and a recent operation to the testicles, we do our best to be loving and accepting of the fact that such circumstances may lead to undesirable behavioral characteristics...

...but it still sucks when you get bitten in the face on a regular basis.

This little man is a charmer who both loves and needs to sit on you and snuggle, but suddenly a flash-back of god-knows-what makes him lash out in a brutal facial or limb attack. This happens between 1 and 9 times a day.

Yahtzee's only been with us a week, and we can only but hope he'll grow out of biting the hand that feeds (that and the habit perfectly synchronizing his toileting with our meal-times).

In the meantime I'll just have to go on loving him like the schmuck that I am and get used to walking round with a face peppered with fang punctures.

~sigh~

Mysterious Affliction

2005-10-31T18:59:00.000+13:00

The top photo there is a close up of the front of my stand in work-shirt which is soon to be returned to my employers to be replaced with a chambray shirt, which is, I must say a SERIOUS misfortune in itself.

Despite my hatred of chambray, I'm not really looking forward to the upgrade as it entails returning my delightful purple polo in the above discoloured state.

I am one of the apparently not so uncommon mutants who actually perspires bleach.

In my case, the only garments effected by this are cotton, in particular low-quality t-shirts. Blues and greens cop it the most, but now I can also add purple to the list of susceptible colours. The bleaching usually takes place around the neckline of a garment, but it can basically happen anywhere it comes into contact with my skin.

I did a bit of web research about this and nobody seems to know for sure why this happens. There are a few probably bollocky speculations made such as:
- a high sodium diet
- over-exercising
- high levels of chlorine in drinking water
- chemicals in deodorant reacting with those in your sweat
- a low protein diet
but I'd definitely like to get my mitts on some more scientifically based information. I read about one extreme case where a woman would leave an entire bleached-out body shape after just one night.

Although it's mildly frustrating when my t-shirts fade so quickly and unevenly, I guess I should be grateful I'm not at the same level as the woman referred to above.

Will be conducting my own research into this. In the meantime, respect going out to my fellow acid-sweating massive.

Professor Pop xxx

Hey, cool, I'm a parakeet!

2005-10-19T21:41:00.000+13:00

Did the ~what animal are you~ test and it could've been a whole lot worse, close call with being a monkey (funnily enough I don't really fancy myself as louse-munching primate with a luminous bottom as my redeeming feature) so was quite relieved. Parakeet, hmmm can see a few correlations there...

You Are A: Parakeet!

This popular bird is kept as a pet in homes all over the world. Originating from Australia, parakeets like warm weather and lots of seeds and fruit. They are also known for being messy and quite loud! But you cannot look at one without falling in love.

You were almost a: Monkey or a Pony
You are least like a: Groundhog or a Lamb Take the Cute Animal Test!

Unjustified Hangover

2005-10-09T16:44:00.000+13:00

That horrible feeling where you wake up in a cold sweat after not nearly enough sleep only to realize that if you move you'll loose the contents of your stomach, whatever they maybe...

Ok, so friends of mine will probably have heard me claim a filthy hangover to be mysterious and unjustified before, only to retort with such comments as "but you girls were lovin' it"... but this time my theory has been proven.

~5 measly drinks~

Yes just five measly drinks equated to one session of loosing most of my bile, half a day of immobility and a headache to die from. And I was being sensible (good solid meal before hand, glasses of water between drinks and snacks and more water before bed.

There is no justice in this world.

Recipe For Destruction:

Get your mitts on some 42 Below passion[fruit] vodka
Over ice, mix up 2 parts vodka with 0.5 of a part cold water
Squeeze in the juice of a quarter of a fresh lime
Dance

Place your bets.

2005-10-05T23:03:00.000+13:00

Funny how one adjusts one's comment settings in order to stop spam comments only to discover they're the only kind of comments they receive. The question is am I sad enough to change them back?

Oh yes!

2005-09-24T17:13:00.000+12:00

Are you talented enough to be able to punch yourself in the face completely by accident??

Just in case you're not I'll give you step by step guide to how I managed to achieve this:

Take one cardboard box filled with something you really want but haven't had access to for a while because you've been overseas (for example your CD collection). The box must be tightly sealed with strong, wide tape which entirely encircles the box.
You must be both desperate to get into the box and too lazy to go and get some scissors
Position the box at about waist height (its important to build up some momentum in your swing)
Feel about under the box and start picking at the tape and when you fail to find and end work your way under the tape until you can get your hand around it
With a tight fist pull as hard as you can on tape on the far side of the box.
Eventually the tape should break and suddenly come away quickly and if the angles are all correct you should land yourself one smack in the face (see picture for final results)

Mollypop's back

2005-09-24T16:29:00.000+12:00

At first I thought I'd managed to free myself of my affliction though the mystical powers of cyber-magic. I went a good few months without having an accident or doing anything stoopid, I even managed to play with an array of powertools for the first time, russelling up some window boxes for my mum - and all limbs remained intact! But alas, not the case and I'm back on form. It's been a while so I'll give you a brief rundown of my misfortunes to date:

Multiple scalds. I don't know why I keep doing this. I've mastered the art of holding a cup of hot beverage one minute and wearing it the next. The worst of this kind was somehow managing to knock over my piping hot licorice tea in such a fashion that lead it all flowing onto my lap and smashing the mug and soiling The Listener in the process (sorry Jen!). I took photos of the damage but had second thoughts about putting a pic of my colossal [bright pink] thighs on the net. Don't scald your lap folks, it hurts and it makes it difficult to wear pants.
Cooking dramas: the old sinking your sharp utensil into your hand instead of the food trick. I hate doing this because it creates a few problems in the way of hygiene. I wash my hands a lot when I'm cooking and wet bandaids tend to ooze out your watered-down blood. Yummy.
Unwillful damage to property: yanking down a curtain rail, numerous coffee stains and a split seam (though not of the dreaded down the back of the pants trick) leading to armpit exposure.
Sight bloody scratch to the stomach whilst putting on my socks, though I don't really understand how that one works.
And finally in the doing dumb stuff department: loosing my cellphone and calling it from the landline, running madly round the house because I could hear it vibrating... in my pocket. After a few drinks at my friend's house I noticed I had missed a call from my mother. I woke her up insisting that yes, she had called. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd called myself in order to find my phone.

A new direction...

2005-08-03T13:44:00.000+12:00

As I sat in front of the comp swearing and splattered as piping hot coffee scorched the back of my left hand, my upper thighs and covered a large proportion of my WHITE hoodie, I was finally struck with an idea for the much-needed new direction for my blog.

I do stuff like this pretty much on a daily basis and as i beliveve there is no point in having a good accident if there is noone around to see it, I hereby dedicate this site to sharing my misfortunes with the likes of you.*

All I have to do now is sit back and wait for [or as the case more likely will be- plunge myself too quickly into] another episode...

...enjoy!

*"you" being those who generally laugh their asses off before eventually getting around to asking "are you OK?"

i never wanted a blogspot

2005-07-25T14:02:00.000+12:00

I never meant for this to happen, i just needed to sign up to start stalking Cloud... __________________j______
__________C_________

... and share the wonder of the Belgium Buscuit House.